Being Truly Free: Making time to be authentically me (Part 1/3)

A WRONG LIFE CANNOT BE LIVED RIGHTLY…

Freedom is, without question, powerful, individual and essential, if you’re to live a life that is truly authentic to you. Even the Ancient Greek philosophers were convinced that a good life can only succeed, if it is in harmony with one’s own nature. So, let’s take heed, once and for all, that: An unfulfilled and inauthentic life cannot make you happy, as there is no living a good life in the wrong one!

Every disguised or forced attempt to live a life, which does not harmonise with your true self, is doomed to failure, and is destined to leave you unfulfilled or may even make you sick. Gnothi Seauton said “Know thyself”. This was so fundamental to the Ancient Greeks that they inscribed it, in big fat letters, above the entrance to the temple of Apollo at Delphi. As I like to tell clients, it’s the quadrature of circles! Never been solved before, and likely never will be, dear Reader. It matters not to what degree you torment yourself with this, you will always need to try harder. Instead, we need to recognise that a circle is a circle and not a square, even if you give said circle a square job, a square environment, a square family, square friends or a square life. Try as it might to fit in, it remains a circle – tough, but as simple as that.

It may well sound fundamentally simple and logical. However, don’t mistake simple for ‘easy’, or logical for ‘obvious’. Everyone desires a fulfilling, happy and unencumbered life – at least that’s what they say they want. Yet, without engendering authenticity, the dream can never be wholly achieved. Most people’s souls crave authenticity, to be able to be oneself, to love one’s life, to overcome one’s fears, to live freely and at ease. That longing to be true to oneself, to be authentic, and to live without having to justify oneself or make half-hearted compromises, in all important aspects of life, it doesn’t magically go away. But wait… Is that what people really want? Don’t most just say “I just want to be happy”, yet, in actuality, mean “I just want to feel no pain or suffering”. This has little to do with a stable, free and authentic life.

“Freedom means: Free to roam. Free to do. Free to live. Free to die.
Or as we at AMOR FATI like to say: Live dancing. Die laughing.”
– Dr. Christian Zippel

Through the lens of existential therapy and AMOR FATI philosophy, freedom translates to: Live dancing, die laughing! The encompassed legerity, freedom, fun, happiness, authenticity, fulfillment and playing for the sake of playing can never achieved, if you try to be someone you aren’t, or to lead a life that isn’t meant for you. Time to wake up and acknowledge: If you lie to yourself, and make the wrong kind of compromises, you will never be or feel truly free and authentic. The solution: Take out the trash and junk out your life!

FEAR & STRESS RULE THE WORLD…

So why do people find it so difficult to be their authentic selves? Why do they say ‘yes’, when deep down it’s a ‘no’. The brief answer: fear! They can stem from very different reasons and completely different root causes, some hidden, and follow different paths and expressions. They often cause inner suffering, which people want to be free of, in their daily lives. It’s important to note: Fears will always rob you of, or restrict, your freedom – especially if you’re afraid of being yourself.

There are countless fears and, therefore, reasons, to abandon one’s own nature, and engage in lame, inauthentic compromises – as many as there are stars in this unfathomable universe. Let’s take a few examples: The fear of being disliked, the fear of being left out, the fear of being alone, the fear of being lonely, the fear of senselessness, the fear of freedom, the fear of self-responsibility, the fear of one’s own greatness, the fear of guilt, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of making mistakes, the fear of not having enough, financial fears, the fear of not being the best looking or most successful, and, the peach of them all, the fear mindset of pre-worrying about potential and often completely trivial or fictitious future eventualities – or as my grandma always says: “worrying about unlaid eggs”. Dear Reader: Money doesn’t rule the world – it never has – fear and stress do!

Mostly, fears are avoided, compensated for, transferred, projected, or whatever else we can imagine doing, in order not to have to feel the associated emotions our fears spark. Why? Because our own self-image and worldview must remain stable and intact. To ensure this, neither fact, logic, reality nor rationality need apply. The result is that many a self-image and worldview is permeated by fears, a victim’s perspective, conflated or aggrandised illusions and irrationalities, conspiring to craft a false sense of stability and security.

When the illusionary bubble bursts, and along with it this sense of ‘security’, whether due to illness, or the loss of a loved one, arguments or a separation within relationships and family, or the loss of a job, then that very same self-image and worldview can be shaken to the core. Such an ‘impact’ can often lead to panic attacks, burnout, depression, overload, drug use/abuse, anxiety, PTSD, and a whole host of other effects, which make a free and authentic life seem unattainable – particularly when accompanied by feelings of meaninglessness and hopelessness.

With such an impact, we often ask ourselves: ” How could that have happened? How did I not see it coming? How could I have imagined it wouldn’t happen to me?” After experiencing an impact, we also often come to the more profound and formative conclusion that there are no guarantees, no real security and none is coming to save us, no matter much you want there to be, and regardless of what delusional self-image and worldview you’d previously conjured up for yourself. You feel in your soul that such a ‘chaotic impact’, and all the fears and insecurity it thrusts to the surface could happen again at any point, and you’ll be powerless to stop it – not even if you try harder to prevent it.

This is not a time to drown in self-pity and confusion, take a deep breath and look for opportunities and try to break down inner resistance – which under the given circumstance can be a huge challenge. Think of Dr. Z: “Is it a chore, or is there more to explore?“ You could use this profound impact as a chance to completely reshape your life, and take it to a whole new level, bringing you closer to becoming your own authentic self. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, in spite of your fears, you step into the cleansing fire, in order to become who you really are. With a nod to Nietzsche there, I can recommend some books on post-traumatic growth.

FREEDOM IS WHAT WE DO WITH WHAT IS DONE TO US…

Every person on this planet will, at some point or another, be confronted by such an ‘impact’, they are inherently part of life, ready or not! They shape us and can also be positive and beautiful, such as falling in love or the birth of a child.

In life, we all have to let go of something or someone, learn lessons, are subject to strokes of fate, influence and trauma and have to react to all kinds of change – change is the only constant in life. We are confronted with existential questions and determine that along with all the beautiful moments in life, there will also be difficulties and suffering. People deal with this very differently in their daily lives, and have widely varying attitudes, so what we need to focus on is our inner composure.

We get to choose how we act/react to our circumstances, our lives, and whatever is thrown our way. Thus, I find the following philosophical question, both pragmatic and powerful: How, despite our own individual circumstances and fates, should/can we manage to lead a fulfilling life, dancing and laughing? That’s right! In spite of…

Holocaust survivor, Viktor ‘The Godfather of Mindset’ Frankl brought notoriety to that concept with his international bestseller “Yes to Life – In Spite of Everything”. Following his time in various concentration camps, ultimately including Auschwitz, Frankl wrote about losing his first wife, both parents and his brother, to the Nazis. In spite of it all, Frankl was able to accomplish his life’s work, after surviving Auschwitz. He developed logotherapy – a form of meaning-centred psychotherapy, based upon the search for purpose in life, despite suffering. In my opinion, the masterpiece therein lies in the shaping of the inner attitude towards freedom, which he expressed as follows:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~Viktor Frankl

Remind me of your problems again? Uh huh, you probably have two functioning arms, two legs, a head, and are more or less healthy. You might have a valid passport, some kind of competence with which you earn your livelihood. Perhaps you even have a partner, maybe kids, friends or other people who love you, and with that, you presumably belong to the top ten percent of people with the best circumstances on the planet.

Is your life really that bad?
Is your problem really so enormous and unsolvable?
Are there really no options?

When I visited the Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp, with a client, as part of a coaching session, I not only stood at the “Wall of Death” and witnessed the masses of human remains, shaved-off hair, torn-off prosthetics, but also went inside the Nazi torture chambers and closed the door. In one, sitting had been forbidden – so small and cramped, standing was the only option, making sleep nigh on impossible. Another was pitch black, and so little fresh air flowed in that the inhabitants constantly felt like they were suffocating. Yet, the most insane experience was closed inside one of the original Birkenau I cremation ovens. As I closed the door, it instantly overwhelmed me, just how many human beings had lost their freedom and their lives, in this one “test oven” alone. How many times had this door been closed before me?

I wanted the statistics, in order, as closely as possible, to emotionally confront the magnitude of suffering and death from one of the greatest crimes against humanity ever committed. I wanted to, at the very least, begin to understand, how fortunate I was with my fate, and what it means to say “Yes to Life – In Spite of Everything” (Viktor Frankl) and what it take to make “The Choice: Embrace the Possible” (Dr. Edith Eger).

All too often, people identify with problems and suffering, instead of acting in spite of them. They ask: “Why me? Why did life have to take a dump in my backyard?” The victim’s perspective runs rampant, and no progress or improvement is made – ever. Once again, loud and clearly for the people in the back: Never choose the victim’s perspective! Always and in every circumstance, shake that as quickly as possible, at all costs. Many wallow in it, their whole lives. They suffer, turn bitter and become paralysed by fear. Once they lose all hope of things getting any better,  they then often view life, convinced the odds are against them, from the lens of a weak and misfortunate position. A life lived continuously with a sense of insecurity and lacking is always on high alert for the next misfortune. How on earth can a free, easy and authentic life ever be lived under this conditions?

Enough! Get yourself to the nearest florist, buy the most beautiful flowers you can find, and plant them directly in this pile of shit that life has dumped in your backyard. Of course, it’s tough, without question. But it’s the only way you’ll end up with a truly beautiful, stable, healthy and colourful flowering backyard, so to speak. It’s the shit that fertilises and allows for growth! The only other alternative is to stay stuck in the problem, suffering and victim’s perspective, to bitch and moan, and pass up the chance, once and for all, to live a truly free, playful and authentic life. You choose. Meanwhile, I’ll be at the florist!

By the way… The French existentialist and philosopher, Jean-Paul Sartre, must have loved flowers too, as he summed it up quite nicely:

“Freedom is what we do with what is done to us.” ~Jean-Paul Sartre

Take note: You alone will always have the possibility and responsibility to bring meaning, direction, purpose and authenticity into your own life, through self-awareness, reflection, willpower, decisions and behaviour, regardless of the circumstances or adversities faced.

AMOR FATI & THE MOTHER OF ALL FEARS…

Besides the fact that life hands out ‘good’ and ‘bad’ cards to each of us there are a few additional contradictions that drive some to despair. For example, we all live in a world where there is no preordained, objective and agreed upon meaning of life, no matter how intensively we look for one. However, no-one feels truly fulfilled and happy in life, without a sense of purpose. So finding meaning in your life is wholly subjective and created by you, to make the absurdity of existence manageable. We clearly see what happens when people feel everything is pointless and unbearable – depression sets in. Hope and lust for life evaporate, replaced by lethargy, zero motivation, and, in extreme cases, loss of will to live, and even suicide.

Another great example of life inevitably confronting us with contradictions is that we try to make something of our lives – with competences, career, family, wealth, status, etc – yet, in the end, we lose it all to death. You can only laugh at the irony, right?

For many, it’s incredibly difficult, to internally reconcile with the implicit contradictions and transience of life, with all the associated everyday insecurities, challenges and fears, which can’t just be rationally explained away. This can give rise to or fuel heavily-weighing worries and existential fears, which are then often compensated for or avoided in daily life, as a form of self-preservation.

“To understand the world in its depth is to understand contradiction.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Incidentally, the mother of all fears is death, or more precisely: non-existence and not being. From a philosophical and existential therapy viewpoint, every single fear of each and every individual always leads back to this. Humanity, as a whole, does everything it can to escape non-existence and nothingness, like trying to outrun one’s own mortality.

Some try, much like the lab-rat cartoon characters in ‘Pinky & The Brain’, to take over the world (but don’t even have a thimble and two paperclips), while others want to immortalise themselves through a successful project or business. Others go looking for a mother or father figure in their relationships, someone to  validate their worth, and absolve them of responsibility, so they don’t have to grown up. Others believe that money buys absolute freedom and security, and work themselves to death in and attempt to have more! Humankind is desperately researching ways to cryogenically preserve themselves, and to inhabit other planets, for the continuation of the species, after we’ve finished pillaging our own planet. More people still desperately try to preserve their youth with expensive creams and cosmetic procedures, or take out endless insurance policies, so that their loved ones are protected.

Good luck with that! In their most philosophical song ‘Adieu’, the German band Rammstein faced mortality and proclaimed: “Even the sun will burn out” (“Sogar die Sonne wird verglühn”). Despite the fact that establishing security is a painfully preoccupying and omnipresent theme, most people behave as though they were to or would want to live forever – a silly notion. The aim: finally achieve a sense of guaranteed security. Mother Nature, thankfully, won’t allow that, the clock ticks away on our mortal time constraints, and so the old adage goes: Time and tide wait for no man. How does it feel to be one step closer to death than yesterday? Isn’t it great?

“He who would teach men to die would teach them to live.” ~Michel de Montaigne

In my experience, this profound confrontation with our own mortality and unspeakably absurd existence often occurs subconsciously, and/or through one or more impacts/strokes of fate. This frequently triggers or further enhances people’s fears. Of course, such impacts can also be parental influence or early childhood experiences. People think that they shape their experiences, but it’s actually the experiences that shape people.

True freedom and ease can only be achieved by overcoming fears, by taking responsibility for our lives, by trusting the process, by saying yes to life and by loving it. Despite all contradictions and suffering, we must accept the fact that we can never fully understand or control everything. admittedly, it’s a lofty ideal, as we all have to learn to accept our lack of control, and thereby accept the seemingly ‘unacceptable’. This is only possible through vulnerability, the art of letting go, profound trust and love, or more precisely, the love of fate. AMOR FATI

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life.  A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” ~Mark Twain